Well, okay

All right, all right. The last comment was an over-reaction and an overstatement.

I just know I'm as far from happy as I know how to be. I would have to be immensely happier to be shitty.

I hate whiners, and I hate to whine. I do.

But this is what is most compellingly in me to say.

Easy Peasy

I think, lately, that things would be much smoother, easier, more serene for everyone if I just wasn't alive.

Just sayin'.

Man!

Well. I haven't blogged in a while....reasons soon to be clear.

Last time I checked in, I was ready to go onstage, following a car accident in which my car was totalled. The story since then? Categorize it under "yeesh".

So. In the plus column, I did manage to go onstage that night, managed even to sing despite the fact that every breath felt, quite literally, like a jagged glass shoved into my chest. Went all right, and the show itself was a huge success. Major audience appreciation, and a lot of people praised the fact that I wrote it, wrote all the music, directed it, designed the set, built the set...and even (for one night) performed in it. Man, that sounds insane, now that I look back on it. But it's nice.....it's the biggest thing I've ever done, and it's fulfilling to know that it was so, seemingly, successful.

That's the plus column, pretty much in its entirety.

On that day of the accident, while they were CT scanning me to check for heart contusions, so forth, they discovered enlarged lymph nodes in my lungs. Could be anything, inflamation, anything. Of course, there was also a chance (not a huge chance, but a chance) that it was cancer. So they told me to follow up with my doctor, which I did after the show closed. He was concerned, and scheduled more follow-ups. After numerous visits, a surgery was finally scheduled to remove one of the nodes for a biopsy.

They did it, in early January. They went into my lungs through my throat (leaving an oh-so-attractive 4-inch scar right across my throat (I look like I lost a knife fight with Rambo)). Between the accident and the post-surgery recovery, I spent almost two solid months of deep pain, every time I breathed. And if I had to sneeze? God....you have no idea.

The good news, though....it was not cancer. Simply, they believe, the result of bronchitis I had about a year ago. Sometimes, apparently, bronchitis will inflame the nodes, and they never shrink back down when it's gone. So it was important to check, and good to know I'm healthy...but disturbing, and scary, and a bit painful.

Also, on the 14th of December, one week after the accident (and 4 days after the doctor tells me I might have cancer in my lungs, thank you very much), I lost my job, after 11 years of pretty successful service. I had not been happy in that job for a while, but it was still pretty shocking to suddenly be unemployed. Basically, the owner of the company (who originally hired me) has turned the business over to her kids, and her one daughter decided to eliminate my position. With barely the skills to use a mouse, she has decided she wants to run the Information Services department without me. God bless her, good luck.

Since then, I've been looking, and had some nibbles (and not the good kind, more's the pity), but nothing yet. I have one opportunity that looks pretty good -- third interview tomorrow, but nothing's final yet....and this opportunity would require me to travel 4 days a week, which would kill my theatre work....which would hurt my heart. At this point, though, obviously I will take it without hesitation.

If this does pan out, I will continue to look for a better job. That may end up screwing my new employer, but I'm not so sure, at this point, I am too too invested in the concept of employer/employee loyalty.

I've had a slew (sloo? slough?) of family issues as well, ones I don't feel like discussing just now, just here...suffice it to say that it really is true -- kids will break your heart.

And, just to leaven this lovely pot, last Saturday night, driving to the theatre, some guy slammed into me from behind. Totalling yet another car, and sending me yet again to the hospital. The hospital was precautionary, and I'm perfectly fine. But God, you know? In December, I owned three cars. Since then, I've blown the engine on one (and replaced the engine (not a cheap proposition); replaced the transmission on one (even less cheap), totalled two of them, and now I get to look for a replacement car. While I'm out of work.

Not too too easy to get financing for a car when you're unemployed.

Turns

So, last weekend was interesting. In the Chinese curse sense.

I mentioned earlier that I had planned on performing for my actor on the second weekend of my show. Well, doing it without rehearsal was daunting, but not insurmountably so. I knew his blocking and entrances, so that didn't faze me. Remembering the lines and the cues was far more disconcerting. I had planned on only working half a day, and was going to gorge myself upon the lines on Friday afternoon. By curtain Friday night, I expected to be pretty much ready.

Things turn.

On the way into work, about 7:00 a.m., my car skidded on a patch of black ice, and slammed into the back of a truck. Mighta been a little better had I not also been speeding, but apparently I was....and on that ice, the car didn't slow down at all. Hit the back of the truck hard . Totalled the car; the air bags went off, pieces and parts flew everywhere.

It was probably quite a show, come to think of it.

I've been in a few accidents before, but this was the only time, as it was happening, that my mind flashed on "Man, I hope I don't get hurt." Actually, if truth be told, it was more a case of "I hope I don't get hurt too bad", 'cause I knew it was gonna be a pretty good crash.

Well, as it turned out, I was lucky. I didn't get hurt at all. At least, not in the sense of breaking anything, or causing any permanent/chronic damage to anything. I did get pretty beat up though -- and a lot of that was from the air bag itself. Those air bags, when they go off, are explosive. I guess I knew that, intellectually, but I'd never been assaulted by one before. Hell, the one on the passenger side of the dashboard blew out the windshield. Yeesh. It's a small stick of dynamite inside 'em, basically. So the air bag itself hurt my chest bad. Still killing me.

I have no doubt I'd have gotten hurt -- maybe way worse -- if not for the air bag, so I'm not complaining about it, but let me say this: Ow.

I also sprained my ankle pretty good, and I have these oh-so-attractive blue-and-purple-and-green bruises all over my body (wanna see?), and many of 'em in odd places (like the inside of my right elbow). I spent most of Friday in the hospital, where I had an EKG to make sure my heart was okay, and a CT scan to check my lungs and heart, and xrays to check my ribs and ankle, and blood tests, and and and yeesh. And as the hours ticked on, my chest hurt more and more, until it hurt (and deeply so) even to breathe.

They gave me some pain meds, but they made me stupid(er), and I didn't like 'em.

As the hours ticked on, of course, so too came closer the 8:00 curtain on my show....and I'm wondering how a non-breathing, drug-addled, limping, unrehearsed line-dropper can even consider going on stage.

Um, *sigh*

Yeesh.

My show continues this weekend. Once a show opens, the director is pretty much done. From that point on, the show belongs to the performers and stage manager....but, typically, I like coming to most (or all) of the performances, just to observe. It's fun feeling the audience enjoy something you've directed....and last weekend, I saw 'em all. This weekend, I intended to see 'em all (or most of 'em), too.

Funny how stuff happens.

Just got off the phone with one of my male principals. He's undergoing emergency heart surgery today (and he's a very young man (like, under 30-so-ish)).....so, it appears, I will be going on stage this weekend, having not rehearsed. Ever.

And yes, I know the show, having written it and directed it...but watching and directing is most definitely not the same as rehearsing.

And, well, now this is a show that I wrote, composed, directed, marketed, programmed, and now will perform in. Geez. No wonder I'm tired all the time.

The Curtain Always Rises

So, my show opened.

Let me tell you, it's a strange, almost out-of-body(ish) experience listening to other people sing music you've written...and even more surreal sitting amongst a large group of strangers listening to people sing music you've written. I like it -- sort of. I hate it, too.

And there's no possible way to be objective about the show at this point. I do know that it went off almost hitch-free on opening night, and then settled into smooth and easy sailing for the rest of the weekend. And I also know that many people told me how much they enjoyed it. Problem is, I never believe them, because they'd have said that to me even if they hated it....so while it's very nice that they say it to me, it doesn't actually touch me like it should.

I'm not, mostly, a cynic; except when it comes to believing anything nice said about me.

But. I also noted this: many people in the audience -- like, lots even -- were crying during the final song I wrote. The whole show is, by design, bittersweet. It's Christmas, and it's a celebration, but it's also life and change and loss and watching our childhood and youth pass away. The last song is intended to pull all the vignettes together, without being cheesily maudlin.

And, judging by the tears, maybe it does just that. So, while I'm not even close to objective about it, I guess it is a successful show.

Well, well, well

Tonight, my show opens. It's the biggest, most complex thing I've ever done, I think. I wrote the script, wrote all the music and vocal arrangements (15 songs in all), and I directed it....on, I might add, a set that I designed and built. And tonight, an audience sits in judgement.

And...I'm freaking out (but just a little). I mean, if it doesn't work, where does the finger of blame and disappointment point? Right...at the playwright, or the director, or the composer. So, yeah, I'm going to be feeling a bit in the cross-hairs.

On the other hand, if it does work, it'll be a magical wondrous thing....and during the last several rehearsals, it did work. We had a small preview audience last night, and they seemed to enjoy it very much.

It's going to be weird, tonight. I've been working on this literally every night for over six months. The music alone was several months of composing. And I've been tweaking the show and music as we've gone along -- that's part of the nature of a world premiere, I suspect. As of now, though, I'm done. It's in the actor's hands, now.

Anyway, I will say this (at the risk of self-aggrandizement): I'm not sure I know anyone else who could have written a script; composed a fairly complex vocal score; directed the show; and designed the stage (not to mention make the program and design the marketing campaign). God, that sounded pretty "cool cool Ted"ish.....didn't mean it to. But I must say I am pretty proud of the effort and, one hopes, the results.