Arrgh

Last night, Mackenzie and I had a pretty unpleasant little battle. She had been sitting on AIM for hours (at least 1.5 hours, from the time I had gotten home). I asked her if she had taken Pepsi for a walk.

One of her jobs is to take Pepsi for a walk every day. Like many of her jobs, though, she does it when it suits her. Anyway, she had not taken Pepsie for a walk; hadn't since Friday night (when I made her do it). I bugged her about it; she said she'd do it tomorrow (to which I replied "Yes, you will, because it's your job every day!"); her leg hurt; she was tired; she didn't want to do it.

I asked if she was going to do it, and she said no. So I put my shoes on to take Pepsi for a walk; then I went upstairs and unplugged the USB wireless network antenna from the upstairs computer. I told Mackenzie she can have AIM back when she takes Pepsi for a walk tonight and the next day.

She was UPSET. She told me she was gonna do it, I was being unfair. I told her, again, she could have AIM back when she walks Pepsi for a couple of days. I put the leash on Pepsi and went out. Mackenzie came along, but walked 10 paces in front of me, in angry silence. After about 10 minutes, I said "Hey", and made her take the dog. The two of them then walked 10 paces in front of me in silence.

What bothers me most is that she is always so 'Mackenzie-first'. I know she was not upset because she thought she had made a mistake -- she was upset because I took away a privilege, and because I refused to give the privilege back when she did walk the dog. She always wants to do the minimum to 'make things right', and then expects everything to be forgotten and okay.

When we got home, she marched right up to her room and crawled into her bed. I went in there and told her, gently, that what really made me sad was that even though she says she loves Jan, loves Pepsi, loves me, I don't believe her. It's hard to believe she loves anyone except herself.

Another example: Jan commented on Friday that none of them had gotten me anything for my birthday (which was fine -- I don't need gifts). It would have been nice, though, for them to have gotten me a card or something -- something to make me think they had thought of me. Anyway, Jan said on Friday that maybe we'd go out on Saturday or Sunday and shop for me.

So, Sunday Mackenzie, Jan and I went to the mall. Mackenzie strictly shopped for herself (and I split off and bought some things for myself (three shirts)). At one point I said (semi-jokingly) to Mackenzie that I thought she was going to shop for me. She made a wry face, like I was just being stupid. I said "Isn't that what we were supposed to be doing?" She didn't answer at all.

I know exactly what was going through her mind -- she knew that she should have been with me, shopped for me (at least some of the time), but she didn't want to give up shopping for herself and getting all the clothes she was getting (which were a lot). So she was simply silent.

Again, I don't need gifts -- that wasn't the point at all. But I do wish she had cared enough about me to want to give me at least a card....and the thing is, I do believe she would have wanted to give me something -- but in choosing between getting something for me and something for herself, the choice was (unfortunately) easy.

And that bothers me a lot.